I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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