I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
