I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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