I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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