So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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