I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
