Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
