i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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