Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
