I think I won the penis lottery.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I deserve this hangover.
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