I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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