I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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