she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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