she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
