I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
