I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I smell stomach acid.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize