A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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