I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
