Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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