party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
it glows. i had to have it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
