The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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