Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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