I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
