bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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