Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Can I color on your dick again?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
