why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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