I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize