i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
