Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
