forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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