Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
