im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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