i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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