So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
