You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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