I can feel you judging me through the phone.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
