Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
