i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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