so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
