i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I wish i was in the wii world.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
