I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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