I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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