Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
So drunk its hurt
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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