I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
