What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
