I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
