if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize