Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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