just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
