Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
