I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
