just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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