Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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