How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
