she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
