yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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