i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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