dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
why do cheetos always look like penises
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
