I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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