There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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